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Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Ezra Cole Morris

Ezra Cole Morris
born on Oct 23rd 2012 at 2:36pm
8lbs 6oz

Ezra is finally here, and I have so much I want to record and write about, but as common knowledge has it, words, even those of a great author fail to depict all emotions and feelings.

First of all I want to start out with: Labor and delivery is like dying and resurrecting. I find this quite ironic and completely appropriate as Jesus dies and resurrects for his sons and daughters. Good one Bible, good one!

The pain and the raw way labor breaks you down and humbles you is, in my opinion the closest thing to death that a human will get to experience. The rebirth, through the delivery of an angelic baby-- is the resurrection. For that is how I feel: reborn into a life that is more luminous.

My child is complete perfection. I have no idea why I get to be as blessed as I am. Not only to have his love, but also the love of my wonderful husband. HOW and WHY, I wonder, can a girl be so darn lucky!?

Trust me, it's not the hormones talking-- I have never felt more like myself and more whole. Oh! and I've always been a bit cheesy to begin with ;P


Birth Story

At 40 weeks 4 days we met with our doctor and had an ultrasound on Monday morning to see how big baby was and the status of the placenta & fluids. In the ultrasound Ezra measured 8lbs 13oz--- very close to 9lbs-- too close for the doctor's tastes for sure.

The doc strongly suggested to induce. I had been so against induction because of all the horror stories that I had heard/read (side note: never believe ANY pregnancy stories will apply to you- most likely something different will happen to you than what you hear/see/read-- even if they are legit stories).

Brian and I did not want to jump the gun, so we said we would talk about it over lunch and get back to her.

Sure enough we had a very strange lunch flooded with strange feelings: we had a choice. The birth was not going to be spontaneous, suddenly we were in charge-- and I didn't like that-- it wasn't what i had imagined.

Though it was irrefutable that the babe could have been almost 9lbs and the fact that I had barely progressed since 36 weeks.

After chatting amongst ourselves and the people we love the most, we decided we would go for the induction that night.

We went home to gather our stuff and that afternoon flew by. I remember Brian anxiously announcing how many hours until we'd go to the hospital almost on the hour every hour ;)

I didn't feel nervous-- just a little skeptical since I had not expected having a CHOICE about the day of delivery.

That night we checked into the hospital at 7pm sharp. It felt so undramatic to park all calm, arrive prepared, without contractions. Not what I had pictured arriving to the hospital for delivery.

The timeline of things went a little like this:

7:00pm-- checked in-- 1.5cm dilated & 60%effaced
9:30pm-- first "dose" of Cytotec pill
following very mild contractions-- very much like period cramps
At this point I was thanking God for having me have had strong period pains throughout my life, to endure this. At this point I felt so confident that I could go on without meds.
2:00am -- second "dose" of Cytotec
following an intense trip to the potty along with bloody show,
here I began to get antsy to say the least.
the pain began to increase exponentially, very quickly-- I jumped in the shower to soothe the contractions. 
I was 2.5cm dilated and 99% effaced
Waters broke- probably highly stimulated by the doctor checking my progress!
I got scared when the waters broke because I knew ( I had read) that the waters cushion the pain-- and without them, nor meds, I knew things would get bad.
I was absolutely right -- from here on it was FIRE, HELL, PAIN.
3:30 am I was in the worst pain of my life. No wait, I was in the worst pain a human being could bare to tolerate.
I jumped in the shower again and although it helped I was hanging on by a thread. The pain was pretty much ALL in my ovaries. I was shaking from here on out for hours. From shock, from pain...
At this point my IV (which had been bothering ever since they put it in) infiltrated & bruised my arm. So in the worst of times, when the pain was at its highest, they had to re-stick me with a new IV on my other arm. It was really very hard for them to find a vein that would work. Both nurses struggled for a while.
The contractions were KILLING me from the inside out. It simply felt like DYING. I had read that keeping my mouth, throat and lips relaxed would help not tense up-- and this DID help.
In that kind of pain, I was never able to concentrate on the "end goal"-- that kind of pain makes you lose focus, that kind of pain makes you lose it.
6:00am-- I opted for the epidural. This did not feel like caving in-- it felt absolutely necessary!!! I wanted it, bad. Best decision of my life- especially in hindsight knowing how completely and impossibly difficult and exhausting PUSHING is.
I never even saw the anesthesiologist's face. They wanted me to lie down straight on my side on the bed. This was pure torture-- here I felt like a raging horse. Convulsing from pain just listening to the anesthesiologist's routine warnings about epidurals. Hearing these made me nervous but never  even came close to persuading me otherwise.
For them to have me in that position, while in raging fire was the hardest moment. They wanted me to keep my legs straight but I just wanted to cave in on myself and curl up into my death.
When the epi went in it didn't hurt but it did make me jolt (arch my back) like a shock wave. This was an involuntary motion, like my nervous system got shocked all at once.
6:40 am-- we started the pitocin
8:40 am-- I was 4cm dilated
I had heard of those women who can sleep after they have an epidural, but I have no idea how!
9:40 am-- 5 cm dilated
11:10 am-- 8-9cm dilated & 100% effaced
we were so close here and I was again not feeling nervous, probably because I had no idea what was in my future. I remember texting family and friends that I was that far along! and I was excited.
11:45 -- 9.5 cm dilated
My butt had So much pressure I could barely sit on it. I remember telling Brian that we needed to tell the nurse that I was feeling a lot of pressure and feeling like no one checked on me for a really long time. It felt like there was an orange in my vagina ;P no but really it did. It wasn't painful just majorly uncomfortable and pressure pressure pressure.
I think I wasn't super nervous because I had read that the contractions are way more painful than the pushing-- and YES they are. WAYYYY worse.
12:45 the doctor got called and informed that we were ready to push.
I pushed for 1hr and 55min and it was the most exhausting exhaustion-- again something almost unbearable, undoable. 
For the majority of the time I had to trick my mind into thinking "I could do this" but really, in the depths of myself, I did NOT think I could push my baby out-- I was really not encouraged by the nurses-- and i just thought that this was not an ability I possessed. I also was never told that I was making any progress and thinking about this through the exhaustion was not motivating. I focused on Brian's voice and commands which helped the most. He was strong, directing and clear. It was exactly what I needed. I knew that he wouldn't lie, so I believed his observations about whether I was improving and what I had to do.

I figured out that they NEEDED me to hold my breath for 10 counts 3 times in a row while pushing with all my might into the spot that the nurse was directing me to. I put all my concentration there-- into that spot, but each time I pushed I wanted to pass out-- heck I think I did pass out and fall into a state of sleep/coma because I remember waking up-- like in a movie, where all the lights and people are fuzzy and shouting unclear words at you.

I remember them telling me to go to my "happy place" and thinking about Sorrento, the narrow roads and the lemon trees.

The doctor kept mentioning a C-section. I had come this far and I was not going to let it go to a C-section. This was pretty much the only motivation I had at this point to push beyond my capabilities-- to push and push myself. Like passing out but having to run 20 more miles. I didn't think I had the endurance. I was waiting for someone to say he was crowning, that was my goal-- if I could make it there, it'd be "easy" after that.

In the blur of people and words, and the unspeakable fatigue, my mom came up to me with tears in here eyes saying she could see him. This was my sign-- I could do it now-- finally! progress! I thought.

The most painful part was the crowning. I shoulted SOOO loud. So loud I thought about the women in the next rooms-- what would they think!? I wanted to push him out all at once, now I had the capability to get him out!!! but they told me I had to STOP pushing to wait on the doctor. I shouted WHYYYYYYYYYY!??!!? loudly. madly. desperately. They had wanted me to push push push all this time and now that I was doing it I had to stop!?!?!?!!? I thought this was preposterous.

The doctor arrived instants later and turned and pulled Ezra out. His shoulder had been stuck and that's what had made the pushing so intense. so hard.

Something was up because they didn't let me see him for what felt like so long. I wasn't worried but kept asking what was up in tears and loneliness. I remember seeing him being brought by the warmer, some words about NICU possibility and I asked the only person whom i trusted: "Brian, what's wrong?!" he replied something reassuring and I believed him. Ezra had some fluid in his lungs but in a few short moments he was better and crying and I remember LONGING for him. After all this hard work I still had not been rewarded with holding him! Brian remained by my side but i commanded him to go to Ezra-- I wanted at least one of us to enjoy him, to be near him.

Soon after I was able to hold him and I completely forget everything else :)
He was so perfect, so much more beautiful and flawless than I had imagined. I was at peace.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

40 weeks+ 4 days

This was taken the day we packed up and went to the hospital for induction. Ezra was born the following day.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

40 weeks!!! | Due date

How do I feel at 40 weeks? Heavy, achy, ready. 
I really would love to go into labor naturally, but I am not sure if it's gonna happen, and I am also not sure if I could wait 2 whole weeks if the doctor allows it-- which would be Halloween day. The progress of dilation has been super slow and so I'm not sure what to think.

These last few days have been turmoil/hibernation, but now, on the due date, I feel calmer, more at peace. As if I had to experience those feelings of confusion and frustration in order to learn something: patience and lack of control. I now GET that I am not in control- and honestly, I'd really like for my body to take over and avoid having to "take control" via induction. But regardless, I resign. I resign in making any type of plan. Now it's up to fate. 

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

In Between

Someone sent me this really great article about this very strange state. It is verbalized so well and from a different perspective:

So I thought I could take the opportunity in this stage of "in between" to write down what I am looking forward to in the near and far future with our baby boy:

• Seeing his face, getting to explore his baby-scapes and deciphering his perfect amalgamations.
• Ezra's 1st professional photoshoot!
• Dressing him up for Halloween in his costume that I bought back in June/July! ;)
• Ezra's 1st Christmas. Cuddling with all my boys (pups included) by our fireplace with the tree sparkling and hot chocolate. Ezra's first Christmas' outfit and taking lots of photos of our brand new little family.
• Our Christmas vacation to the Biltmore as a new family and celebrating the season.
•  Going to the live nativity and petting the lambs with baby boy ;)
• The surprise I have planned since July that I cannot say anything about.. hehehehe!
• The every-day, the ups the downs and doing it all with Brian

Tuesday, 16 October 2012


Until the day where I hit 39 weeks I was fine. Things went exponentially down-hill soon after that. The last few days have been rough. First, the MENTAL IMPATIENCE HIT ME. Like I am DONE.DONE.DONE mentally-- and soon after the physical part hit me too.

Everyone means so very well to check in with me but at the same time it makes me even more impatient. I definitely would rather people check in and CARE than not- but it does bring my mind to the fact that "nope I'm not in labor yet guys"...

I wish desperately that I could think of anything else besides the impending birth of my son, but that's practically impossible. At this stage, everything I do just seems for the purpose of keeping my mind off waiting, and to entertain myself through the never ending days.

Brian has been, just as I would expect, completely wonderful through these rough days. He lets me vent every 10 minutes if i need to, he lets me moan and groan and bears it all with open arms. Hell Im annoyed with myself- not sure how he is not.


I began swelling. My hands, feet and legs feel and look like inflatable balloons and they look pretty bad.  Stereotypically pregnant you could say. When I wake up in the morning, I feel like I was hit by 100 trucks overnight. My finger joints hurt, and when I step off the bed onto my feet, it's the weight of a brick house bearing onto the hard floor. My back-- well my back will go from being "fine" to locking up and having me limping.

It's just hard to be in ANY position for more than 10 min. And if I do, I swell.

 I get comments like "are you having twins" me: "no" them: "you are huge"-- or such as "you are about to explode". Half the time I really do feel like I might explode, with water, sweat, fat, baby.

Dang, this vent/rant makes it sound pretty terrible, but it's not as horrible as it sounds. Honestly, the mental impatience is much more consuming.

If you are pregnant, do not believe them when they say "it's any day now" weeks in advance,  because I swear that will tear you apart mentally--- you will truly start to believe it, and it will make the hours feel like sand grains dripping down an hourglass.

If I would have known I would have kept some projects or maybe even planned small trip around this time frame, just to keep sane.

Thank God for Brian.

Thursday, 11 October 2012

39 weeks

One week from today is my due date-- aka Ezra will receive an eviction notice ;P
Although I am completely anxious at this point, I do want him to cook in there as long as he needs. I have pretty much lost my patience and I hope I don't regret wishing these last few weeks to go fast. I hear that one can miss being pregnant- which I understand-- but also I think it's part of the natural process and phases of pregnancy to be THIS impatient, excited and anxious for it to be over. Because over means the start, over means the sight of my baby boy, over means the beginning. So yes, I do want it to be over, because I want it to commence.

The way he breathes in there now is so human looking, it's not the little fast breaths that I had been seeing for weeks-- now they are paced in and out soothed breaths. They are my favorite-- they indicate that a baby human is in there, ready as can be to join the world.

Throughout the week, especially in the evenings I've been having Braxton Hicks: non painful contractions where my stomach will harden like a rock and then release and repeat. It's not painful whatsoever but I kinda sorta wish it were so that it would mean the real thing!

I went in to the Doc on Tuesday and my blood pressure was a tiny bit high (130/92) so the Doc put me on moderate bed rest and ordered some lab tests. I haven't fully been following through with the bed rest though, because mainly I don't think that from ONE tiny reading compared to super healthy blood pressure throughout 9 months there is anything to worry about. It's not like I have it strenuous as it is.

Tomorrow we will go again and check for any physical progress-- if you are reading this, send positive progression thoughts my way :)

I cannot believe that Brian and I will FINALLY *cue the fireworks* have our baby so soon. It's been a long 9 months. I've been ready to meet our little love baby boy for quite some time.

Friday, 5 October 2012

38 weeks | the waiting game

I am so impatient. We must meet our little man now ! ;) it's time- I can feel my body preparing, things happening, and pains and feelings that are completely new to my body.

Every night for the past 9 months Brian and I take the pups for a 30 min walk- this walk has helped me stay active and in some sort of shape so far-- and now the walks really function in a whole new way.

During and after taking them I feel my belly contract -- no pain at all in the stomach area-- but my groin bones feels like it's being stabbed with a knife. I'd say it was a "shooting pain".

Last night I felt the most "feelings" so far, and I swear I can feel the babe in my birth canal! oh yeah. I feel him so lowwwwwwwwwwww down there. At one point I thought my groin bones might tilt.

This sounds way more painful than it actually is. The shock value is much more than the pain, because-- it happens like BOOM out of nowhere!  imagine someone telling you you're gonna get pinched or just getting pinched out of nowhere--- the latter surely "hurts" a bit more.

Having said all of this I am SO happy that my body is on track and doing its thing- it makes me happy.


We went to the doc today and even if there wasn't much dilation progress, she said that his head is at a +1 engaged station--that's very low in the pelvis. Visual here: 

 I title this pic: there's a baby in my crotch ;) 

At first I was a little bummed that there was no further dilation, but the doc said this is really good. Then I got thinking what an amazing job Ezra is already doing towards labor-- he's doing all the work right now-- what an overachiever ;) 

Bouncing on the birthing ball every chance i get has probably been a little beneficial too.

Oh while I am at it, I wanted to record on here my initial feelings about a cervical exam. Tori, you can skip reading this part if you're reading. A pap smear compared to a cervical exam is like comparing picking your nose to putting your entire fist in your mouth.

Ok Tori you can read on again... ;)

The fact that we're down to a matter of DAYS makes time DRAG by so slowly. In the past the weeks would just roll off the calendar faster and faster. Now the thought of seeing and holding my baby boy in DAYS makes it harder almost.

Think positive labor thoughts and send them my way ;)

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Ezra Maternity Photos { with mommy & daddy 36 weeks}

Baby Shower !