9 weeks | Dreams

Well 4am strikes the clock and I am wide awake every morning; sometimes because I am hungry, or cold, hot, have had a bad nightmare, or the simple full bladder...

Two nights ago I had a dream that a burglar broke into our house and was going to harm us, I pretended to be asleep right in front of him and I knew he was just waiting for me to get up. I knew as soon as Brian would walk in the door from work he would harm us. I begged the burglar not to harm me because I had a baby in my belly, I told him he could have anything he wanted just not to harm us. and I woke up. 4am. super awake and scared.

Last night I finally dreamt of my baby for the first time! and for a change it was a very great dream! :D I dreamt of giving birth, and it was a little boy-- a boy so pretty it looked like a girl. He had jet black hair and sparkling big blue eyes in the shape of a kitty. I remember thinking in the dream that the baby's face was like a pretty kitty cat (in a good way). Then this child grew to a toddler in an instant and I had 2 more girls who were older than him (even though he was my first). I was getting my 3 kids ready in a chaos and I couldn't remember any of their names! I felt so horrible about this. and then I woke up.

Other things I want to mention here so that I document and don't forget are a few notes about food.

I am definitely craving sweets--I am trying to stay in control of these cravings but I definitely indulge too. We will see at the next doc's appointment if and how much weight I've gained. At nine weeks the baby is as big as a green olive and my uterus as big as a grapefruit. I don't feel I look ANY bigger at all though.

Foods I started eating that were not in my diet prior to pregnancy: pears, bananas, pb&j's, oreos. I have also been eating way more tomatoes than usual.

For about 2 months now I have eliminated all teas, coffees and medicines.

There hasn't been the slightest sign on nausea, but I kind of knew all my life id never had this because both my mom and my sis never had this symptom either! I also like to think that my baby is really really sweet to me regarding this ;)

I am dying to go to the next doc's appointment (exactly 1 week from today!) where we will see our then PRUNE-SIZED baby!!!! (huge!) but I try really hard not to look at the calendar and count the days, as I know this would make time go way slower.

Because I am a super impatient person, I find that taking the weekly belly photos, really helps me deal with the time passing, since it celebrates every week's milestone ;)

8 weeks 3 days

My amazing little growing baby is doing wonderfully as far as I know, and is currently growing from a raspberry to a green olive size. He/She will be considered a fetus and not an embryo by the end of this week because he will look like a little tiny real baby!! I think he must be just like his daddy because he fits perfectly with who I am; he is not loud and obnoxious like I am, he is more quiet and considerate like his daddy. This little baby is anything besides fastidious, I have barely any symptoms and no bad ones whatsoever-- which shocks me sometimes.
I am definitely hungrier and more tired, everyday around 3pm I feel a surge of sleepiness. Sometimes I fight the naps because I feel completely drugged once I wake up, like knocked out.

My goodness this baby is so perfect already, I can barely believe it. I cannot wait to see and kiss his fat chunky toes and then to hear them pitter patter from his room to ours to crawl in the bed with us.

I cannot wait to just have the baby here with us, I am such an impatient person.

A few days ago I thought a BUMP might be making its appearance, but even with that my baby is being ever so considerate and gradually and subtly letting me know that he is here. The BUMP that I saw before dinner must have been bloating because it was pretty much flat by the AM.

I read all these stories about women who feel fat by now and whose jeans are already snug by now... who puke all the time, cry all the time... but i have NONE of those symptoms at all. I don't think I am lucky, I think my baby is simply already perfect and made just for me.

I hope this baby will better me, and I hope I will be able to be the best guide for him/her that I can possibly be.

I cannot wait to know my baby's personality, gender obviously, and soul. I cannot wait to face the beauty and the challenges ahead of us.

I feel unspeakably blessed to be with Brian and to be able to have a family with him. He is the best person I can think and that I know to have and raise a baby with. He is my best friend, he is wise, and kind, caring, loving and responsible...

If nothing else, I know that I will have provided my baby with an unsurpassed father. the best.

Baby, in about 10 days we get to see you and hear you again! i love these ultrasounds... I am such a visual person and therefore when I SEE you it's the only way I really realize YOU ARE HERE!!! Which leads me to: I cannot wait till you grow really big and give me a tummy (just a tummy not chins and thighs please but that would be MY doing not YOURS ;)

But seriously, I cannot wait to be able to look down and SEE your shape inside of me. I love you already. I wonder if you love me already. I think yes :.)

We are gonna give you so much love while you're growing big and most especially when you are here, you might need constant kisses because we will completely spoil you with them!

I am in love with baby toes, so I have no idea how much I'll die over yours. It's just nuts to think that we'll have our own perfect set of baby toes here in a few months. YOURS!

I also love to have a "flash forward" to next Christmas when you will be here celebrating the most amazing day with us, and we will be so happy together as a family. Thinking about Christmas with you seems incredible. I will certainly dress you up in a sweet little festive outfit and take 1000 photos of you/us together. I know you will be perfect. and I mean perfect for us. You will be a perfect fit with our family. You will be the perfect balance between crazy me and your sweet daddy.

I keep taking "belly photos" but really there is no belly, I have not gained any weight (i guess thankfully) but I am really thinking that by week 10-13 I will see a little difference! we shall see!

When it sinks in that you are with me, it's kind of hard to process yet so right at the same time. Like NOTHING I can say I've experienced before.
Just a first of MANY I am sure.

I love you baby.

Strangely missing you {7 weeks, 5 days}

What an emotional adjustment this is. wow. It really, most of the times does not feel real that i have the tiniest bundle of baby love growing inside me. But when it does for the shortest instance sink in, it's moving. I wish I realized it more, it makes me feel guilty that it has not sunken in yet. I wish I felt more connected and more aware of the fact that I am in fact pregnant. The few things that jolt my memory is watching the reaction videos and the heartbeat video! :) It's a strange feeling of almost "missing" the baby because Im not able to really bond with it yet. I cant wait until I can feel him/her.

Speaking of, my gut tells me it's a boy. But let me also say that I usually am never right with predictions! The few reasons I'm leaning towards BOY, are:
• when I refer to him, I do so in male form.
• the Chinese calendar says boy.
• when I heard the heartbeat it felt calm like a boy's might be.

I think i would be more familiar and at ease raising a girl, but no matter what gender, children give us love unconditionally and that is what I desire the most. Just love, happiness and health. When I think about this child I think it will be a lot like his/her daddy. Patient, calm, kind. What I wish the most soon after perfect health, is HAPPINESS. I want this child to be happy. A happy person, one that finds joy in everything, one who will grow up and be proud of the choices they've made and just feel happy being who they are.

What a giant responsibility this will be.

I had a couple of baby related dreams, but nothing hormonal and crazy like you always read preggo women have.

One was a very short flash of a dream where I walked in on Brian holding the baby. They were both dressed in white, and the window behind them shined gorgeous white light. Brian was holding the baby looking at it while eating cereal. I suppose my mind went to such an ordinary, real moment, because those are the things I am looking forward to. Walking in on my loves.

The other dream was just this morning:
I dreamed that Brian and I told our friends Skyler and Kristian that we were pregnant and it went like this:
*while shopping*
me: "I won't fit in that dress because I am going to be huge soon"
Kristian: "you are pregnant?"
me and Brian: *nodding/smiling*
Skyler: "well you are an artist aren't you? they say that children are the epitome of all things artistic, so it's ok that you are having a baby"
Me: "Skyler, I know it's ok, this was very much on purpose"
Skyler and Kristian: " you mean you had sex to have a baby? on purpose? what? Brian, really?"

What a funny dream, I can't wait to tell them about it ;D

6 weeks

This has been a hard week with work and I feel that sadly that stress overshadowed my joy.
I've also had a bit of a hard time connecting with the reality of it all. It suddenly seems so unreal that there is a baby growing in my belly. This is ironic especially because we heard the heartbeat this week. I have very brief moments where it feels real, but mostly this week it's just been overwhelming a bit.
At 6 weeks baby is as big as a blueberry! Huge! ;)
Well huge compared to a poppy seed that is.

I do still believe that every day and week this baby stays with us we are more and more blessed. Everyday is a milestone and a miracle.

I've also had some stress about my capabilities to be A good enough person for this child.
This baby is in every sense God's gift, and therefore such a huge responsibility. This is not our child, it's God's child, and God is trusting us to love and care for his child- huge responsibility-- so it's normal that I feel a bit shaken about taking are of such a huge gift.

I pray to God that he will instill all types of goodness, kindness, love and wisdom in us to be good guardians and parents to this human being.
Most of all I want this new person to be a HAPPY person.

Vegas & Sacrifices

I just came back from Las Vegas for work and I am learning quickly about sacrifices. I am already getting the gist that that is what parenting will be all about. It's funny how these things are introduced ever so gradually into a mother's life.

When we were in Vegas I was supposed to attend what is a pretty popular and fabulous party for photographers. I rarely get to dress up, dance, and be super social (something I quite enjoy), so I was actually looking forward to it. But as the night progressed I decided to listen to my body (I felt great, just a bit tired/sleepy) and decided that the days in Vegas had already been so heavy and intense, I needed to let baby seed rest. And rest we did.

It was a small sacrifice.

Sacrifices are also not eating what you want (fish!), not drinking what you want (tea!), slowing down when things are fast, and the ultimate & obvious sacrifice will be my body. These are all things I am happy to undertake with a smile on my face to ensure the healthiest baby growing possible. I would do this and more.

I find it interesting how subtly sacrifices and parenting choices have quietly bubbled up in my life.

Tomorrow baby lentil will be 6 weeks!!!!! This is a big milestone as we are now eligible to be seen by the doc! and "meet" our baby seed for the first time.

These past few weeks have been a blend of hazes of reality and surreality.
Most of the times I KNOW what is happening to me-- the grandiosity of it all. Other times though, when the world spins fast, I ask myself "is this real!?"

Hair

I have been quite paranoid about the things I put into and onto my body. I had a minor freak out when I went to go get my hair cut and the hairstylist put oil in my hair and some other product on my scalp. I did muster the courage to say NO to hairspray thank goodness!. Nonetheless, I was feeling pretty guilty. You see, I would have said something, but it seemed everyone in that salon knew who I was (via Simply Bloom) so I couldn't say "Im pregnant dont put that on me!!!".
After a chat with Christine, I did learn that I need to know where my comfort lines are, and speak up if I have to, so that's what I've been doing since. What Christine told me was very true: "make a call, and stick to it" and it's actually been working :)

I have made the call of writing down all the things I'm skeptical to eat and use and will consult my doc about them. I am very iffy on beauty products, so it's definitely something I want to address with him.

Our first doc appointment is this Friday-- I have a feeling it's going to make things even more real. I can't wait to see my baby. He/she is already the center of my world.

PS: the oil the hair stylist used was Argan Oil, which is actually good during pregnancy I've read.

Telling Christine

Telling Christine about little sesame seed has been one of the best parts thus far.
Her reaction and happiness are more than I could have ever dreamed :D
She is such an important person and part of my life for so many reasons. For SOME reason, we were meant to share our lives so closely together-- and for that I am so fortunate. She is very much more than just a friend, but a sister.

Planning Ahead | Maternity Fashion

My mom and I were looking at clothes and she told me how she had bought a beautiful dress but how I definitely couldn't fit in it by the summer. I responded with an "I still have a good 4/5 months!!!" and she sweetly said: "hmm more like 2 or 3"
**OUCH**

I wonder how big I will get! my weight pre baby is about 120/122 lbs. I know my boobs will account for about 10 lbs of the weight gain... I can already tell. But let's face it, both my mom and my sister said that genetically we tend to BLOW UP.
**DOUBLE OUCH**

Nonetheless, there is a part of me who is really excited for the challenge of dressing a bump body. I have already created a folder of possibilities.

You might wonder how am I

wear with leggings

wear with leggings

Accessorize with colorful chunky wooden bead necklace










wear with leggings




wear with leggings

Told | Part 1

Today we told my family!!!!!!!!!!

The reveal went as smoothly as I had planned it!

We brought over a Disney souvenir bag and told my parents to see the cute magnet we had brought them.

** I wanted it to be as casual as possible, so to get even a greater shock factor!** ;) it worked!

Inside the little bag was a Christmas ornament train wagon. This is addition to a Christmas ornament that my mom already owns with a wagon for each member of our family.
The one they unwrapped was this:

and their reaction was this:

Then my sister, Bradley and Karsten came over and I had my mom say "look at the cute souvenir they brought us from disney" and this was their reaction:

Tomorrow I will tell Christine-- I am dying to!
I think she might faint ;)

Emotional

Oh my lord, I've definitely struck the emotional chords today. Crying fits, attacks, convulsions out of the blue... are they even supposed to happen this early?!?! I mean I have NO NAUSEA AT ALL THANK GOODNESS, but emotional symptoms aplenty. The tears are triggered by worry. Worry of the fragility of a baby that already feels so ours, that we already cannot wait to meet. Ok tearing up as I type...
Today was just stressful and too emotional.. I cried and stressed so much that I worried I would cause something bad for the baby's development, and that of course brought on more stress and tears. I hope this is a VERY short phase.

Tomorrow we tell my parents the GIANT news!! I have been looking forward to this all week! actually, I've been looking forward to this before I even knew were preggo! :D

Today I was looking at a baby blog and I found myself thinking "I want a baby so bad" and then "I HAVE a baby!" sighhhhh and then more tears.

Week 4

We've known about the little developing poppy seed for 5 days now, and actually they have been the longest 5 days ever. I am so anxious to tell my family and Christine. Brian has to keep refraining me!!! Every time I see them, it's really hard to keep my mouth shut as they are such a big part of my life and I am such an open book of a person ;)

I know it's early but everyday that poppy seed is with us it is a miracle, a blessing, and a milestone.

My version of pinching myself is going back to look at the positive pregnancy tests, as well as watching the video of when we found out.

On that note, I had always visualized telling Brian in some sort of cute creative way, but the way it happened was so much better. He was THERE. Not literally holding my hand, but right outside the door, so we were truly able to share the first reaction together
(which is so much better than I could have planned).

We are telling my parents on Sunday. We do have a creative and meaningful way to break the news to them, I will certainly video it ;)

And I will tell Christine on Wednesday, and yes, video that too!

This is such a giant deal, but still it doesn't feel weird. It feels like things are just the way they are meant to be.


In the photo a POPPY flower, as baby is the size of a poppy seed ;)

3rd day

Today marks the 3rd day of knowing about a little tiny tiny person developing inside of me. I am on cloud nine. I am sick with the worst nasal congestion, but I have read that it is not uncommon as most of my nutrients go to my littlest being. So if sick as a dog is what it takes for a healthy baby, I would take this and much much more.

We decided to tell my family in 4 days and Christine in 7 days :) It shall be the longest week of my life. In 7 days I will be 5 weeks pregnant.

This feels so right and natural. There is no weirdness, like it's all exactly perfect how I had dreamed it would be.

Besides being barely able to breathe (it's quite hard to breathe, baby needs more of my oxygen and I supposedly have an additional 15 heartbeats per minute) the FREQUENT URINATION thing is NO JOKE!!!
Sure I've been drinking more water than usual, but it feels like my badder was able to hold waaaaaay more pee than it can now.

I had a thought yesterday that made my nose tingle and my eyes well up with happy tears (twice): This will be the best year of our lives :)

The Unspeakable

We had been on a bit of an emotional ride lately.
Deciding and trying to get pregnant is not as easy as it may sound. The knowing, the not knowing, thinking, then dis-convincing, double-guessing, googling etc etc. Wanting a baby was something we thought through and through, from every angle, and talked about almost every day for months. Definitely a very conscious decision. We, ok I, have wanted to keep our "trying" a bit of a secret, because I am a dramatic person and I like a good dramatic announcement :) Plus, it felt safer that way.

Today we returned from a fun and carefree trip to Disney. We had such a great time, and we felt so connected. Throughout the trip, I kept getting into pouty and emotional teary spells here and there, because I thought I felt my period coming. I wasn't nauseous, or tired, or felt a sixth sense like you hear you're supposed to if you are pregnant.

Of course there was also the question of: should I ride roller-coasters or not?
I didn't want to be that paranoid woman, especially not even knowing wheather I was or not. I also really thought I would have FELT pregnant, and when I DIDNT, it justified the coasters.

After coming home, I knew I'd be able to take one of those "early pregnancy tests", but my intention and expectation was just to ensure myself that I wasn't--so that I could cry it out and get on with it. But this is when things became surreal and God made our dream come true.

I took the test, and while I thought I'd be able to wait a couple of minutes to determine what it read-- instantaneously BOTH lines appeared immediately. A hot sweat as well as nervous happy shakes overtook my body. I told God he was beautiful
Meanwhile Brian was in the shower two steps outside the door quietly AWAITING for the result.

Through the door I asked him to get out of the shower, and I got out of the bathroom and this is what happened:




Our dream really was granted by God and we feel so blessed, this is exactly what we wished for.

After a freak out attack, hugs, kiss showers, stares, smiles, gazing at the positive test .. we asked each other almost simultaneously " now what? "

How do we proceed about our night with this giant emotion/happiness that drowns our every cavity!?

One thing I don't feel is scared. It feels so right. Right now there is most certainly a feeling of surreality. The only way I can describe it is that it feel so right it's natural. I'm so happy that it's not weird. I'm so happy it's unspeakable.

K: The Evolution

this child is a music child

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No. 12
A Karsten Original. All lyrics made up by him!!!!

Oct 2011

This is by far my favorite time of the year. Where the treescapes are the color of pear peels and pumpkins flourish outside everyone's stoops. Today I lived one of those "this-is-what-life-is-all-about-days" spent with some very special people, the air was as fresh as the sentiment that filled it.

















We jumped like fools on the big children jumper thing, played in corn cribs, ate peach cobbler, and chatted in the shade of a thin-framed tree. I wish every day was like today.